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Stump The Beaver: Jan/Feb 2014

Jan 14, 2014 12:56PM ● Published by Erik Dittmann

By: The Beaver

This gun's for hire . . . 

Hanna from Beaver Dam asks:  What was your favorite costume for 2013?  

Answer:  The SPAM costume sticks out.  As you might recall, it was a reaction to a headline in the 27 March 2013 Daily Citizen, which read:  "Man charged after attack with Spam."  Luckily, Sheriff Ninmann and her trusty deputies were able to subdue the rising tide of SPAM perpetrators, preventing the reappearance of SPAM headlines such as the following top 2013 SPAM headlines that were not:

 

  • Red John is dead; the Mentalist's new demon is SPAM the Ripper.

 

  • Governor declares:  Concealed carry law applies to SPAM in plastic grocery bags.

 

  • Solidarity Singers protest Governor's decision by singing The Ballad of SPAM to disinterested crowds in the Rotunda.

 

  • Fleet Farm relocates SPAM inventory from "Canned Meats" aisle to "Guns and Ammo" aisle.

 

  • District Attorney prosecutes first SPAM homicide.  Defendant walks, after Judge accidentally eats the murder weapon.

 

  • Crystal Creek adds SPAM-flavored milkshakes to the menu calling them "Liquid Danger."

 

  • New NRA slogan:  Guns don't kill people; SPAM kills people.

 

  • Martial arts student takes second place at National Tournament in the Ancient Art of SPAMitzu.

 

  • Beaver Dam becomes the SPAM capitol of the world, edging out Minnesota Junction by three votes.

 

  • A fundraiser to repaint the water tower as a huge can of SPAM is tabled while the potential effect on property taxes is debated.

 

  • When SPAM is outlawed, only outlaws will eat SPAM – which actually isn't such a bad idea.


Send your questions to:  Beav@localeben.com.

 

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