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This & That - November/December 2014

Nov 17, 2014 01:05PM ● Published by Erik Dittmann

 By: Dave Bowman

Recently there was a news item of which the scope of its significance will be felt for many generations to come…or maybe until the next news cycle. The main component of the story was about a government study whose findings concluded that wireless devices can distract you while you are driving. And here I thought just setting down a cup of coffee in the cup holder, fiddling with the radio dial or putting on makeup were the only possible distractions. Whew! I am sure glad our tax dollars are working to keep us safe and informed. But, on the other hand… “I could have told you that!” 

There have been other worthwhile and cost effective government studies done for our benefit. The U.S. Department of Agriculture once gave researchers at the University of New Hampshire $700,000 to study methane gas emissions from cows. And then our illustrious “Department of Human Services” plans on shelling out $500 million on a program that will seek to solve the problem of 5-year-old children who “can’t sit still” in kindergarten classrooms. Hey, give me the money right now. I have the answer… “Lucky Charms” for breakfast. Who doesn’t like a wholesome marshmallow and candy cereal to start your day?   

Now, here are a few government studies that are itching for a grant to be written:

“Over/Under”  - the emotional impact on family members of choosing which direction the toilet paper should be put on the roll.

“A Drop In The Bucket”  - the physical changes in the brain that cause the decision to put a gallon milk jug back in the refrigerator with only a drop of milk left in it.

“Project Rainbow”  - an M.I.T. study of wives’ reactions after their husbands decide to help with the laundry and toss their red Wisconsin Badger “Rose Bowl” sweatshirt in the washing machine with their wife’s one of a kind “Nieman Marcus” silk white blouse. 

“Remote Control”  - how many remote controls can REALLY fit under a sofa cushion?

Come to think of it, I think I will try to write a grant for a study on why we need more government studies. Now, that’s the ticket!


 

In Print family humor November December 2014 government studies
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