Dec 21, 2014 10:34AM
● Published by Gene Kirschbaum
Gallery: Kim Jung-Un [1 Image] Click any image to expand.
Here's the only chubby man in North Korea -- Kim Jung-Un, the movie-critic and despotic ruler, who is able to entertain the thoughts that (1) his starving, oppressed people actually love him and (2) that the American people trust his cinematic judgment. Indeed, Mr Uncool has declared cyber-war on Sony to enforce his edict that we don't watch his most Un-favorite movie, The Interview, starring Seth Rogen and James Franco. Because of Mr Uncool's threats, a number of movie theaters were concerned for the safety of their viewing audience and they refused to show the movie. As a result, Sony canceled release of the movie.
This has resulted in huge publicity for the movie, and the Beav predicts that when Sony finally releases the movie, it will be a blockbuster -- simply because all freedom-lovers are gonna be sitting in the audience. School children will memorize all the good lines. Mr Uncool's attempt at censorship will backfire with a vengeance. Plus, there will be a sequel, when our intrepid reporters return to North Korea to kindly assassinate Mr Uncool's over-paid barber.
A few interesting facts about Mr Uncool and his amazing father:
1. The Onion proclaimed that Mr Uncool is the "Sexiest Man Alive."
2. When Mr Uncool was elected, he received 100% of the vote -- not a single vote against him!
3. Kim Jung Il (the amazing father), was of divine birth, he didn't need to defecate, he walked by the tender age of three weeks, and he wrote six operas, all "better than any in the history of music."
4. Mr Il had an amazing idea to solve famine by breeding giant rabbits. He actually obtained some dog-size rabbits from Germany, but the project fell apart after Mr Il ate the rabbits.
5. Mr Il tried golfing one day, whereupon he shot a 38 under-par, whacked in 11 holes-in-one, and then retired from sports.
"Under my genius leadership, North Korea will become a GREAT BANANA REPUBLIC, but unfortunately for now, our economy can't afford to purchase the bananas that we need."
--- Kim Jung-Uncool